The Property of Edward James Page 2

  “Do you enjoy staring at an innocent woman’s breasts?” Elizabeth asked, checking her lipstick in the mirror.

  “Yes… I mean, no. Excuse me, I didn’t mean to stare…” I mumbled, looking down nervously at the script, embarrassed to have been caught looking at her body again.

  Elizabeth stood up, sidled across the small room and sat next to me on the couch. Reaching an arm out to me, she touched me for the first time. I’ll never forget how her touch made a chill shoot up my spine. Elizabeth lifted my chin up with her outstretched index finger and looked at me curiously, like I was a rare, cuddly animal at the San Diego Zoo. She made direct supermodel eye contact with me and gave me a dazzling smile with her professionally whitened teeth.

  “Listen, honey. You don’t have to feel ashamed to stare at me. I really don’t mind you looking. You can look at me any time you want. Don’t be shy. I give you my permission to look, OK?”

  She leaned back on the couch, continuing to look me in the eyes. I couldn’t tell if she was teasing or if she thought I suffered from some form of mental disability, and since I was unable to control myself, she gave her permission to stare inappropriately, out of pity for me. I didn’t help that I was unable to string together a complete sentence with her. I swallowed my saliva.

  “I-I’m sorry. As I said, I don’t mean to…” I mumbled stupidly.

  “You don’t mean to what?”

  “Stare at you…”

  “You’re so cute. I’m Elizabeth. What’s your name?”

  The synapses in my brain seemed to freeze as she gazed at me.

  “Your name, Sir?” she repeated, blinking at me.

  “Oh. It’s Edward James… Hi, Elizabeth,” I said.

  As I said hello, I held my palm stiffly up at my side, like I was taking an oath of office. Elizabeth was kind-hearted to overlook my social awkwardness. In fact I think she may have found it endearing. She smiled in a very warm and friendly manner at me. Along with being so sexy and attractive, she was a nice person as well. I could see why every man in San Diego fell instantly in love with her. I fell in love with her too, from the first moment I saw her.

  “Edward! I love that name. And it starts with an E. And you know what the letter after D is, don’t you, Edward? I think you’re next in line, my friend…”

  “Lucky me,” I said, which was about the wittiest comment I could come up with.

  “You know, I had a little pussycat I named Edward when I was a little girl,” Elizabeth said, flirting.

  “Oh, yes. That’s nice. I like cats too,” I managed to say.

  I wanted to say, “I’ll be your little pussycat, if you want, Elizabeth.” Why didn’t I? I guess I was too nervous around her to come up with a witty retort. I began having physical problems around her. I could feel my heart racing, pumping right under my chest, as if it wanted to explode out of the thin layer of my skin in a burst of bones and blood. I took a deep breath to calm down. I was already nervous for the big audition and meeting this impossibly sexy woman made it worse. I noticed my hands were sweaty and trembling. I tried my best to stay composed.

  “Have you read this script, Edward? I haven’t looked at it yet. Can you tell me what it’s about?” Elizabeth asked.

  “Oh, sure. I’ll try. Uhhh… It’s set in some kind of monastery. From what I can tell, in this scene a praying monk is approached by a servant girl. She offers him a bowl of rice and they talk. She seems concerned for his health. I haven’t really read through it completely either,” I said.

  I looked down at my script again and Elizabeth picked hers up, flipping through it like she was searching for pictures in a magazine. I thought I’d try to keep the conversation going, not knowing if I’d ever have the chance to talk to a pretty woman like her again.

  “So where did you study acting?” I asked.

  Elizabeth laughed.

  “Acting? Oh Lord, no. I’m not an actress. I’ve never been in a play or movie in my life. I work in a clothing store, Express, at Horton Plaza. On my lunch break the other day, I took a walk and wandered into this funny store that sells sex toys and dirty videos. This seedy-looking guy behind the counter told me the manager of the shop was auditioning for a movie and he invited me to come to this audition. I almost didn’t go, but then on a whim I decided to show up, just for fun. Before I settle down, get married and have kids, I want to do things, just for fun sometimes, while I’m young. Do you ever do things just for fun, Edward?”

  “Sure, sometimes.”

  “Are you an actor?” she asked me.

  “Yes, I’m in a play in San Diego right now. The last performance is tonight actually,” I said.

  “You’re in a play tonight?” Elizabeth said, sounding impressed.

  I nodded and smiled. The “play” was a three week run of one of the lesser known works of A.R. Gurney called “Sweet Sue”, with gratuitous nudity added. The director had rented a performing space in the smelly basement of the Maryland Hotel, a residence for transients in downtown San Diego, located in a dangerous neighborhood a few blocks east of the Gaslamp District. We didn’t get paid and the theater critic of the Union Tribune didn’t bother to review it. At least the play was performed indoors, which was a step up from my last project. Suddenly I felt bold and invited Elizabeth to the final performance. Each of the actors were given two comps and I didn’t know anyone other than the manager at the Denny’s where I worked to give them to.

  “If you’d like, Elizabeth, and aren’t too busy, of course, I’d like to give you two free tickets to attend tonight’s final performance as my guest.”

  Elizabeth raised her perfectly manicured eyebrows and smiled.

  “How exciting! That’s actually really sweet of you Edward. I can tell you’re a nice guy, I’m sorry for teasing you earlier. I’m kind of a tease. I’ll flirt with the leg of a chair if there are no guys around.”

  “That’s OK. I don’t mind being teased,” I said, smiling.

  “I don’t have anyone right now I’d particularly like to bring, but I’d love to come. Thank you. And you don’t have to give me a free ticket. I don’t mind paying,” Elizabeth said.

  “No, I insist, Elizabeth. You’ll be my guest for tonight’s performance,” I said.

  “Well, thanks. I’ll be happy to come to your play tonight, Edward.”

  I couldn’t believe it. She said yes! I tried to hold her eye contact for as long as I could before I became nervous and looked down. I gave Elizabeth a flyer with the address of the theater on it and told her I’d leave the ticket in her name at the entrance for the 8 o’clock show.

  Then, to my complete and utter embarrassment, I sneezed once, very loudly, and then once more. The Santa Ana winds had kicked in, blowing pollen into San Diego and aggravating my allergies. I had run out of the house without my Kleenex and started sniffling. She blinked at me and smiled. I loved to watch her blink.

  “Are you alright, Edward?” Elizabeth asked, with a caring look in her eyes.

  “Oh, I’m fine. It’s just my allergies acting up,” I said, turning away from her, deeply humiliated.

  I sneezed again.

  “Oh you poor guy, here,” Elizabeth said, giving me a clean tissue she fished out of her purse.

  What a God-send she was to me, Elizabeth Rose.

  “Thanks.”

  I instantly soaked it through, the tissue disintegrating into my hands. Without my asking, she offered me several more tissues and I greedily took them.

  “Thank you, Elizabeth.”

  Elizabeth was really nice like that. She was a very sensitive and empathetic person, as well as strikingly attractive. And despite being blessed with perfect genes, she didn’t act like her beauty separated her from the rest of us. Most pretty women would’ve been totally grossed out by a poorly dressed, sniffling guy, leering and sneezing at her at an audition for a porno movie. But Elizabeth was different.

  “I’ve got everything else in here, except allergy pills. I’ll remember to pick some up, fo
r next time.”

  There was going to be a next time?

  Suddenly, two other very attractive actors, a young Tom Cruise type guy and a cute girl, came out from an interior room in the house, followed by who I assumed was the director. If he was looking for a good-looking male lead, the Tom Cruise guy was perfect. I didn’t stand a chance against him, as well as the fact that on my first and perhaps last audition I would ever have for an actual movie role, my sinuses decided to let out a torrent of nasal discharge. Also my throat was scratchy and my eyes itched terribly.

  “That was just great, you guys, I’ll let you kids know, once I’ve made my decision,” the director said, patting them cordially on the back.

  It’s over. I don’t know about the girl, but that guy got the part, I thought to myself.

  “Thanks, Mr. Farnsworth,” they both said on their way out.

  “So… who’s our next pair, Delores?” the director asked the girl at the desk.

  “Edward James and Elizabeth Rose,” the assistant said.

  The director took a cursory look at me. Still holding the tissues against my nose, I raised my hand and smiled. He stared at me with the blank expression I’d seen at 1000 auditions, knowing in the first millisecond I didn’t get the part. The rest of the audition would be an exercise in futility, a chance for me to practice auditioning for future roles I knew I would never get as well. I don’t know why I kept clinging to this delusion that I would someday make it as an actor.

  When Mr. Farnsworth first saw Elizabeth he was instantly struck by her awesomeness, just as I was. His greedy eyes widened at the pretty view, as if he was standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon for the first time, at sunrise. Elizabeth didn’t even look up at him as she looked for the illusive pill to help me. Bending over her purse, she seemed unaware that her breasts had spilled further out of her loose top and her cleavage had become exposed once more. By the way Mr. Farnsworth’s bespectacled eyes lasciviously raked over her flesh, I fought off the impulse to cover her. Only the tips of her nipples were hidden, still clinging for dear life inside the silky material. By the angle of my view, it was even more evident to me how Elizabeth had been blessed with uniquely attractive breasts. They were quite large, rounded, the color of sweet cream. Bending over her purse still further, she allowed both Mr. Farnsworth and I to fully appreciate her extraordinarily enlarged and swollen areolas. The upper portion of the large brown rings seemed inflated with air, perfectly formed to be suckled upon by a man’s greedy lips. The word that came to my mind to describe them was majestic. It was as if her breasts were asking to fondled, by the way they were so lively and teasing to the eye. Her breasts caused in me this primal need to squeeze them in my palms, take them into my mouth and never let them go. Her cell phone rang again and she checked the caller-id, but didn’t answer it this time. No wonder all the guys who kept calling were so crazy about her. I was too now.

  “As you’ll see,” I said, addressing Mr. Bergman, “I became totally crazy for Elizabeth Rose, with the emphasis on the word, crazy”.

  “I can certainly see why, by the way you’ve described her,” Mr. Berman said pleasantly. “Go on with your story, young man.”

  Delores handed Elizabeth’s contact information on an index card to Mr. Farnsworth and he took it in his sweaty hot little hands.

  “Ahhh. You must be none other than the famous Ms. Rose. I’m so glad you could make it. Your reputation precedes you Elizabeth. Roger, my associate at work whom you met, has a very good eye for talent. He said you might be perfect for my film and I must say I am in full agreement with him. I apologize for staring, but it’s as if the lead female character of my movie just appeared out of my imagination and walked right into my living room. I think you and I have met for a reason, Ms. Rose. I am a great believer in the confluence of psychic and extraterrestrial events.”

  What an odd thing to say? I wonder what he meant by that, I thought.

  “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Peter Farnsworth, the writer, director and producer of the upcoming film, “The Monastery”.

  Elizabeth was preoccupied with the contents of her purse and didn’t appear to be listening to him. I wondered if she knew we were both gawking at her. I thought she was probably aware of it, since women seem to have a sixth sense about those things. Mr. Farnsworth held out his hand to Elizabeth.

  “Hi,” she said, shaking his hand quickly and then fishing around in her purse some more, as if she could care less who she was meeting, whether it was a wanna-be porno director or Stephen Spielberg.

  “Ms. Rose? Are you looking for something?” Farnsworth asked.

  “Yes, I thought I had a… Wait. Here it is! Edward, I found it! A Benadryl! My last one. That’ll do the trick. May I have a glass of water for my friend please?”

  My friend… Since graduating college, I didn’t have anyone in my life I considered a friend. I felt ridiculous, but my eyes literally filled with tears when Elizabeth said the word, “friend”. I’m sure she had hundreds of friends and the amount of phone calls she was receiving proved it. It touched me when she called me her friend, including me in that special group, even if she was just saying it to be nice. I hoped Elizabeth and I could actually become friends one day. More than friends… Elizabeth gave me the pill and a few more tissues.

  Mr. Farnsworth gestured to his assistant and she poured me a cup of water. I popped the pill into my mouth, while all three people watched me. I blew my nose. It was embarrassing. Romantic male lead in a feature film? I don’t think so. The director looked at me like an insect he was about to squash.

  “And you are?”

  “I’m Edward James, Sir,” I said to Mr. Farnsworth, sniffling.

  Farnsworth picked up my picture and resume, squinting at the huge list of unknown roles I had performed in at theaters all around town no one had heard of. The famous theaters like the La Jolla Playhouse, The Old Globe and the San Diego Rep were unfortunately not on my list. Nor, as it turned out, would they ever be.

  “Ah yes. The theater actor,” Farnsworth said, as if I did my performing for an isle of lepers. “Do you have any experience acting in films?” Farnsworth asked.

  “No, Sir.”

  Then Elizabeth really surprised me by what she said.

  “He’s in a play in downtown San Diego tonight. You should see it. It got great reviews. He’s fantastic in it. I’m going to see it again tonight,” she said.

  I appreciated her bending the truth in an attempt to impress the director, but I already knew he didn’t want me for the role. It didn’t matter now though. I was going to meet this gorgeous woman at my play tonight. Maybe I would get up the nerve to ask her out for a drink afterwards and skip the cast party. I was happy for the first time in ages. Actually, I was happy for the first time in my life.

  “So… you two know each other?” the director asked.

  I looked over at Elizabeth and let her handle it.

  “We’ve known each other for years. Edward happens to be my acting coach,” Elizabeth said.

  “She’s a promising new talent, a natural,” I threw in, not sure whether Mr. Farnsworth was buying it.

  “I see. OK then, kids. Come on in.”

  I stood up with Elizabeth, my heart pounding in my chest.

  I chided myself for not reading more of the script to prepare myself for the cold reading. I was usually over prepared, so winging it was not my normal approach at auditions. But if being over prepared led to my career as a busboy, balancing half eaten Grand Slam breakfast plates in my arms, I suppose it couldn’t hurt to try something new. What did I have to lose?

  The room where the audition took place felt strange right away. There was no lighting equipment. All I saw was a simple cheap-looking camera set up on a tripod, with a little tiny light shining from it. There was a table with a silver chalice and a small bowl on it next to an old wooden bench. Two candles on top of the table flickered light throughout the room. As far as the set was concerned, there was nothing
other than a simple wooden cross hanging from the wall behind us. Elizabeth and I sat down together on the hard bench and Mr. Farnsworth, Impresario of the South Bay, the Great Auteur, and the Scorsese of Adult Videos, stood in front of his camera, silhouetted by the camera’s light.

  “So, have you had a chance to review the scene?” Farnsworth asked.

  “Well, actually,” I mumbled.

  “No…” Elizabeth said.

  I began to feel like I was in one of my recurring nightmares, where I was performing a play in front of a huge crowd, but I had no idea what my lines were. Towering above us in the dim light, Mr. Farnsworth took charge.

  “Perhaps it would help if I set the scene. “The Monastery” is the story of a Catholic monk, Brother William, whose parents wish him to enter a monastery as a novice and take the vows of poverty and chastity in devotion to God, after a scandal with a neighbor’s wife. Despite his desire to live a spiritual life, he is slowly seduced by an attractive servant girl, Magdalena. Due to the effects of the monk’s physical deprivation from the lack of water and food during his training period, you never quite know whether the seduction is real, or if it’s all taking place in the monk’s slowly unraveling mind. There is one other character, which I will play to save money on the project, Father England, who runs the monastery and is Brother William’s spiritual adviser. This is the first movie I’ve ever directed or written. I’m financing it with my own money. I’ve planned a series of four productions which will be filmed under a non-union contract. I’ve saved up $40,000 dollars and that is my budget for the four films, most of which will be spent on film stock. The film will be completely shot in my home at night so we can keep our day jobs, between the hours of 6PM and 11PM. The first reading of the script is this Monday. If you’re cast, you will be paid a $1000 stipend for your work in the film, and the same amount if you are to be cast in the second, third and fourth production. You should know that if you’re cast in this movie, nudity is required and certain acts of a sexual nature will be demanded of you, during filming. So if that’s a problem, let me know right now. Will that be a problem for either one of you?”